Top 6 Astronauts

Yes, you read that right. Top 6 astronauts. Why you ask? The answer is simple.
MYSTERY GOOGLE.
Well technically Mystery Seeker, but whatever. The concept is you search for something like you normally would on Google, but instead of getting your search results you get a different users results. So when I typed in "give me something to rank" the first response was naturally "astronauts." When I typed in "give me a number" the first response was 6.

So here you go, the top 6 astronauts of all time.

6. Buzz Aldrin

Dat foot

Guys, Buzz Aldrin was really cool. Yeah yeah yeah, he was the SECOND guy to walk on the moon and all, but he had a really interesting life. Did you know that he turned down a full ride to MIT to go to West Point? I don't know to many people who would do that. Buzz was also the voice behind the famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" quote, one of the most iconic quotes of all time. His foot has forever left its mark on the surface of the moon.
Buzz was the first person to take communion on the moon, which is a pretty cool thing to brag about. On top of that, the food and drink he consumed for communion were the first food and drink ever consumed on the moon. SUCK IT ARMSTRONG.

Ok enough about people, let's get down to the true heroes. ANIMALS IN SPACE.

5. Albert II
Albert II was the second monkey in space, and unlike that bitch Albert I he didn't suffocate during the flight. No, Albert II made it the whole fucking trip and then died on impact when parachuting back down to earth. He was the first monkey in space, as his rocket achieved a height of 83 miles. He's a true American Hero.

4. Strelka

Yup, they have their own movie

Strelka was part of a spaceship full of animals aboard Sputnik 5 that successfully made a round trip into space. Paired with her canine buddy Belka, they became wildly popular among Soviets and Americans alike. Strelka ended up having 6 puppies post space travel (not with Belka), one of which was given to Caroline Kennedy by Khruschnev. Their puppy descendants still live today. BADASS.

3. Arabella
Done as a student project by Judy Miles in good old Lexington, MA, several spiders were sent into space on the Skylab 3 mission*. The goal was to see whether or not web creation would be hampered by the low gravity of space. Arabella the spider finished one web, and then had it torn down by the astronauts so she could build another one. She gave them a metaphorical middle finger and built a more elaborate second web. Then Arabella died of dehydration. Now that's a tearjerker.

2. Félicette 
Félicette the cat was sent into space by France in 1963. She survived 15 minutes in space and a parachute descent. Félicette was a monumental success due to the fact that she actually cooperated, as most cats would have ripped the astronauts to pieces before going into space. Apparently Felix was supposed to go instead of Félicette, but he escaped prior to the launch. Congratulations Felix, on affirming cat stereotypes. Dick.

1. Ham the chimp

Ham returning from space

Ham (or, depending on who you speak to, No. 65 or Chop Chop Chang) was probably the most successful chimp in space. Not only did he survive the trip, he lived to the ripe old age of 26. He spent the last 17 years of his life at the North Carolina Zoo being coddled and waited on like a king. Ham had a simple task, check reaction times in space. He had to pull a lever after being shown a specific stimuli (a blue light in this case); failure to do so resulted in a mild shock while successfully pulling the lever got him a banana pellet. His testing proved that tasks could be preformed in space, and Ham was a pioneer when it came to experiments conducted in orbit. Ham was given a proper burial, and his skeleton now resides along the remains of CIVIL WAR SOLDIERS. That's KOABD. Ham, you're a real hero.




* It is the opinion of the author that all spiders should be shot into space and/or killed with fire.