"I'm coming home" - LEBRON JAMES

Holy poop, Lebron James is going back to Cleveland. I'll be honest, I didn't think he would do it. I imagined him staying in Miami for another 2 years and then signing with Cleveland to finish out his career there, but he actually did it. He's going home.

Shit man.

News like this, well it takes some time to process. I had a million things pop into my head when I first heard it, but a million is too many things to list. Instead, here are the first 6 things I thought when I heard Lebron was going home.

1. ESPN is absolutely fucking with me.
Like I said, I didn't believe it at first. I heard the news through a friend via text before even looking at ESPN. The text read: "IS THIS REAL LIFE OR IS ESPN FUCKING WITH ME." It didn't even have to mention that this was about Lebron - I could tell. And my first thought was the latter - ESPN is definitely fucking with me.

2. What an idiot.
After confirming the news by looking at ESPN all I could think was "Lebron, WHYYY." I felt like he had 2 more years in Miami. He would have rode out the last glory days of Wade and Bosh and pushed for one more title, then skedaddled after the new TV deal would up max contract values. Boom, hello Cleveland and max money.

3. What a genius.
I read the SI.com article and thought to myself, "I've got it all wrong." Lebron explained himself so well it really caught me by surprise. I know he's a fairly eloquent individual but that essay really captured what he was thinking and turned around my point of view. It was now or never - there was no way he could pull the rug out from Cleveland again. He's no master criminal. He did the right thing at the right time. The Heat are also aging pretty rapidly, and I think Lebron knew it. He might have exhausted his chances to win a title there, it was time to get out.

4. Holy shit that team will be...alright.
Now that it's confirmed, the depth chart looks pretty solid in Cleveland. Of course any team Lebron is on is going to be considered a contender, and this team is no exception. But honestly, it's not as good as some people might think. I scooted on over to fivethirtyeight.com because I knew they would have some breaking articles, and lo and behold I come across this. Taking a look at the projected wins per player the Cavs are on pace for a 52-30 season, good by the Eastern conference standards but nowhere near championship caliber. Just like in Miami this team is looking like it would roll through the East and get smacked in the finals - if they even make the finals that is.

5. Maybe God doesn't hate Cleveland after all?
Honestly, a 52 win season is one of the best things that could happen to Cleveland. Any sort of hope interjected into that city would be magnified by at least a buhmillion based on its crippling depression prior to all this. Lebron isn't looking to win now, he wants to build a championship team. If that's anyone, it's Cleveland. Top pick in the draft 3/4 years, an incredibly talented young roster and wiggle rooms for trades down the road. This team won't automatically contend for a title, but they can build upon their soon to be successful season next year and make it happen. They've done more with less in the past. I BELIEVE!

6. I actually respect Lebron.
Yeah, I have a new found respect for this guy. I never hated him as much as Clevelanders did - I had the luxury of being a Celtics fan during that time. But I didn't respect a man who turned his back on his hometown and a fan-base that was absolutely nothing without him. In the end though, I can't blame him. If Lebron stayed in Cleveland he wouldn't have won a title - his development was being held back there. In Miami he made great strides in offensive efficiency, something he wasn't able to do in Cleveland. He needed the time away to hone his game, just to come home in the end and give Cleveland what it wanted. I think he can do it now, I'm rooting for them all the way.

Also this is the funniest "Lebron returns" reaction I've seen so far.

The best of: Random Word Generator!

Hello all!

I cam across a random.org variant the other day, it's http://www.textfixer.com/tools/random-words.php. The concept is the website generates random words (anywhere from 2-10) in an effort to spark creativity. I imagine a struggling writer feverishly clicking on the "generate" button until that magical alignment of a few words gives them the creative spark to write a new novel. I cal also imagine myself finding enjoyment out of simply generating words until I find a funny/telling/horrible combination.

I did that. Sometimes work is that boring. Anyways I listed the best results from each category (2-10 words). Some are funny, some are creepy and some might actually be the premise of a great story.

2 words

Birthday, Screamer - Too funny. This was my first one, THE FIRST ONE.

3 words

Blockhead, Flamboyant, Bovine - I'm imagining a cow that's a jock, but secretly just wants to do ballet.

4 words

Playground, Alarm, Moaning, Blood - A bit too cryptic for me

5 words

Envelope, Cargo, Jewel, Harm, Brood - A robbery gone horribly wrong.

6 words

Barn-burner, Pimp, Juvenile, Binding, Sleep, Crypt - A pimp attends an exciting even only to agree to a deal where the only escape...is in a BODY BAG.

7 words

Fornicator, Beautiful, Puzzle, Bed, Serenity, Banana, Hottest - This has the makings of a weird porno.

8 words

Proper, Couple, Loner, After, Jerk, Gimmick, Drifter, Bug-house - Some jerk of a con-man tricks a couple into buying something they don't need, it splits them apart and one ends up in the nut house.

9 words

Luxurious, Holiest, Martini, Crisp, Entertain, President, Helpless, Becoming, Cortex - Pope Big-Face can do nothing but dote on the new President by getting him drunk of top shelf vodka.

10 words

Blow, Gradient, Enzyme, Gripping, Bed, Deception, Wizard, Heist, Raccoon, Belt - A little boy is trapped in a dream where a raccoon belt-wearing wizard uses corrosive enzymes to eat through the walls of a bank, pulling off the greatest heist the town had ever seen.

This got really hard as more words were added, but wow it's a lot of fun.

@Midnight: It's good. Watch it!

HELLO!

If you guys haven't heard the news - @Midnight is a fantastic show. Here's the premise: It's a comedy game show hosted by Chris Hardwick (founder of The Nerdist) where a panel of 3 comedians compete in quiz/comedy events. Points are given out (mostly) to comedians with right/funny answers, and then the top 2 highest point getters duke it out in a final event. All in all it's an incredibly entertaining show, it brushes you up on current events and it honestly puts me in stitches. I'm listing some of my favorite games and moments from the show, from slightly less funny but still funny to funniest.

Oh, and the show is available on Hulu and you can watch it at midnights on Comedy Central.

5. CringeWorthy
One of the lightning round games, it's a very simple concept. The contestants get 60 seconds to string together 3 words that make Chris cringe. It's an idea from Reddit that the show borrowed, so they don't get full credit. But the comedians do. Watch it!
This is easily one of the best panels, and Doug Benson is high as balls. My personal favorite (not from this clip) is "Discrete Orphan Rentals."

4. Sweet Emoji
Another great game, Sweet Emoji puts up a few Emoji on the screen and asks the contestants to construct a sentence from them. This round in particular is amazing: Watch it!

3. Chuck E. Cheese or Jail?
This game is fucking hilarious. Apparently the Yelp reviews for Chuck E. Cheese - a kid's wonderland, and jail - you know, jail are eerily similar. Watch it!
This one also has Rhys Darby which makes it even better.

2. #FailedApps - Kumail Nanjiani
One of the best (and recurring) games on the show is #HashtagWars, where the comedians buzz in with funny hashtags based on the category. For the #FailedApps segment, this genius Kumail came up with the "John Wilkes Photo Booth."

1. Boat load of friends - or basically anything with Kyle Kinane in it
So Kyle Kinane (aka the voice of Comedy Central) is a hilarious individual. He's been on the show a few times now, and a "best of" compilation video has been created for him. My personal favorite comes at the 1:50-2:05 minute mark, where the contestants respond to a Facebook event: a racist 21st birthday party.
Watch it!
Boat load. This man is a genius.

Seafood!

HELLO!

In one of my previous blogs (talking about the foods I've grown to love) I mentioned that I would make a list of my favorite seafood. It was kind of meant as a joke, but after this past weekend where I had the most delicious seafood I'll ever have, I decided to make it a reality.

For anyone that doesn't know, Aquitaine (http://www.aquitaineboston.com/) is a French Bistro in the Boston area. Aquitaine happens to have some incredible seafood, specifically number one on my list. I'd recommend you heading over there for some fancy schmancy dining if you're in the Boston area.

This upcoming list isn't complete, I'm trying new stuff all the time! As for right now though, this is the...

OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS LIST OF MY FAVORITE SEAFOOD

1. Lemon Sole Meuniere (from Aquitaine) 
2. Halibut - really any kind. This stuff is delicious.
3. A greasy plate of fish and chips (more than likely the fish is cod)
4. Mussels En Cassoulette (also from Aquitaine) 
5. Fried Calamari
6. Eel sushi 
7. New England clam chowder (not that New York bullshit) 
8. Swordfish
9. Salmon 
10. Lobster
.
.
.
9001. Oysters
.
.
.
90000001. Canned Tuna

The hype is real: My top 6 favorite Ultimate videos

Hey guys,

It's been too long since I've put out a post, as they say life got in the way. I am back now and I wanted to put together a post about one of my serious passions: Ultimate.

One of my favorite things to do when I started playing ultimate was to watch highlight videos of the best players from around the world. It helped me learn what a seriously competitive player looked like and what the pace of a high-level game was like. I've been playing for about 5 years now and I can still learn from pretty much any video out there.

On top of learning, these videos create so much hype. I'm not really one for pump-up music prior to games, I would much rather take a look at one of these videos to get myself in the mindset for a tournament. Take a look at the 6 videos that top my list.

6. Jay Clark: 2012 Ultimate Highlights

This video is absolutely full of hype. Jay Clark has absolutely no regard for his own safety, as evidenced by the egregious amount of layouts in this video. Regardless, Clark is a great player and he showcases a lot of talent throughout the video. I would classify this as less of a learning experience and more of a "I need to get outside and practice my layouts RIGHT NOW" type video.

5. The Janimal

Are you kidding me? This guy is like, 5 feet nothing (I just checked, it's more like 5"8 but whatever) and he's a MONSTER. He can get up with the best of them, skip ahead to :50 for an example. While the video is a bit corny and the production quality is slightly lower than other Callahan videos it gets me going. It's always great to see someone around my size dominate a field of players that could be anywhere form 2-8 inches taller. Jacob Janin is a hype machine with great athleticism.

4. Nick Lance: Callahan 2012

Nick Lance is one of the most talented ultimate players I've seen, and his Callahan video is a clinic on how to destroy hopes and dreams. You can see how effective his upside down throws are at breaking marks and finding the open man, his hucks are pretty pinpoint and he puts his body on the line. As far as the full package goes, this video has it all. The music is also a great complement to the shift in the video from dominating offense to defense. Jay Clark did a great editing job, and as far as production quality it's top notch.

3. 2009 UPA Club Nationals Ultimate Frisbee Highlights
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bv7-vq1ta0 (blogger wouldn't let me embed this one)

Unfortunately this video has lost a large majority of its hype due to the banned audio track. But let me tell you that when it was in its pure form this video was AMAZING. It had footage of the 2009 Club Nationals tournament and there was talent all over the field. Seeing the highest level of ultimate being played really made me work harder when I was starting out. I probably watched this video about 50 times during my first semester playing college ultimate, and each time I got more ready to play at a higher level. It's seriously a shame that the video quality is so poor and the music is gone, this one was one of the best.

2. Dylan Freechild - Callahan Nominee 2013

Dylan Freechild is an incredible Ultimate player, and this video is a showcase on how dominant he can be. The song in the video is also one of my all time favorites, I think it meshes with the video content really well. In terms of what you can learn, Freechild has really perfected a lot of the dump-swing moves as well as timing for strike cuts. He's innovative when it comes to creating space and getting open as a handler, something I worked on a lot when playing at college. He's also fast, really fast. His speed helps him dominate games and really puts an emphasis on how important conditioning is. Plus his layout at 3:52 is enormous, his game saving layout at 4:11 is RIDICULOUS, and his spikes are top notch. Also seriously, look at 4:26 and tell me your not impressed.

1. Arizona Men's Ultimate 2013 Highlights

This video is an absolute hype machine. The music, the editing, the skill, the disrespect, all of it comes together to form an amazing video. When I want to get amped up I watch this video. Fuck yeah Sunburn, you guys rock. Reach and go higher.

Tastes and preferences: Ranking the things I used to hate

Hello world,

You know how as a child you refuse to eat something simply because it looks gross? It could be the most delicious thing you've ever eaten, but because you're a stubborn kid you won't let that shit anywhere near your mouth.

I didn't have a whole lot of stuff I didn't eat as a kid, but there are some notable things that I absolutely used to detest that I now involve in my diet on a regular basis. There are in fact 5 things that I can name right now that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole as a child, but now gladly eat/drink them pretty much everyday.

Get ready for a wild fucking ride guys.

5. Cheese (specifically blue)
As a kid I would only eat one kind of cheese: American. If you're not 100% sure what American cheese really is, read this:

That's some 'Murican cheese

"Today’s American cheese is generally no longer made from blended natural cheeses; instead, it is industrially manufactured from a set of ingredients such as milk; whey; milkfat; milk protein concentrate; whey protein concentrate; saturated oil(s); emulsifiers; and salt. Because its ingredients differ so much from those of "unprocessed"/raw/natural cheeses, American cheese can not be legally sold under the name (authentic) "cheese" in the US."

I ripped that straight off wikipedia, which is by far the most reputable source on the internet. Either way, it's kind of gross. Since then I've graduated to more natural cheese, specifically blue cheese. I hated it as a kid, it wasn't processed enough for my taste. It was too tart for me, so I stayed away from it. I cannot believe what I've been missing. Blue cheese is pretty much the best kind of cheese ever. Put it on ANYTHING and it will probably taste better. 

While blue cheese might be the holy grail of cheese, ricotta cheese is still something I detest (and I don't know why!). I've tried it so many times, but even as an adult (which I think I am at this point) I cannot stand ricotta. Unless it's cold and in a sugary cannoli, I will not eat it.

4. Most kinds of seafood
Something went horribly wrong with my palate as a child. I would eat all kinds of fish as a baby, but once I hit the ripe old age of 6 that stopped abruptly. Fish was disgusting to me at that age and I didn't know why. I just knew that I didn't like it and I wouldn't eat it. Eventually that went away and I would occasionally eat a fish plate if it was fried into oblivion or drowned in sauce, but now I actively enjoy and seek out the chance to eat fish. Haddock is probably my favorite, followed by salmon and halibut. It's soooo gooooood.

Might as well be ipecac 

Something that doesn't make sense however, is my lack of love for lobster. Growing up in New England I was exposed to lobster at a young age and it's followed me throughout my whole life. There's nothing like a Maine lobster according to anyone from New England, and yet it's not really my cup of tea. Don't get me wrong, I'll eat and enjoy it. It's just not far up the list of seafood that I enjoy (NEW LIST COMING SOON).

Also I hate canned tuna. That is all.

Shut up an eat it kid

3. Brussel Sprouts
This isn't really all that surprising. Find me a kid who liked eating brussel sprouts and I'll show you 5 that didn't. I wasn't much different, although brussel sprouts and asparagus followed the same pattern that fish did for me. I loved it as a baby (at that time it was "mini-cabbage" and "tubular-lettuce"), wouldn't eat it as a kid, and learned to love it over time. Asparagus is different because I adopted a liking for it at an earlier age, whereas I recently began to like brussel sprouts again. And now I think brussel sprouts are fucking delicious. Mini-cabbage is da bess.

How can you be so delicious?

2. Seltzer water
I really don't know why I started to like seltzer water. It's something that I tried over and over again and just recently acquired a taste for it. My office stocks up on those Polar seltzer bottles and one day I decided to try it and BOOM, it wasn't atrocious. It was in fact, quite delicious. Now I can't get enough of the stuff. It's a change that came on very quickly, where it felt like one day I hated it and the next day it was amazing and delicious. Go figure.

P.S. The mandarin orange flavor is amazing. I could drink a case of that stuff easy.

1. Oatmeal

Look at the variety! Fuck you regular flavored oatmeal

The cream of the crop, oatmeal is something I only recently began to enjoy after years upon years of hatred. The problem is I always wanted to like oatmeal, which I think is kind of weird. I just always saw oatmeal as something you should have for breakfast, but I never found appealing. I tried a bunch of different times and I could never get around the blandness of it. Then I found instant oatmeal. Not the cup based shit, I mean in the packet Quaker Oats instant fucking oatmeal. I cannot get enough of this stuff. It's my breakfast 4/5 days of the workweek. I eat it for a quick snack during the day, sometimes I eat for dinner. I love oatmeal. It's the rib-sticking goodness that gets to me, I just feel like it really fills me up and warms my whole body.

Where have you been all my life? Right in front of me. Only now did I finally see how truly amazing you could be. Oatmeal...I love you.

WHAT?!?! A HEROES RE-BORN SERIES!

Helloooo everybody,

I'm sure some of you saw that Heroes, the NBC show from the late 2000's, is being re-vamped as a mini-series for 2015. Dubbed Heroes "reborn", the creator of the original series Tim Kring will head this separate 13 episode mini-series with a new story-line.

I don't know about you guys, but I really liked Heroes. Except for the last season of course (if you liked it than wow I don't like you), I thought it was a great series with little to no plot development and a whole lot of jumping around that ended up making no sense. It was entertaining above anything, and some of the characters had awesome abilities. So awesome in fact, that I had to rank them for yours and my pleasure. 

So here we go, the top 5 totally awesome abilities that cropped up in the original Heroes series. They aren't the 5 best, they're the 5 that I would most want to have.

5. Adoptive Muscle Memory - Monica Dawson

One of the minor characters in the series, Monica Dawson figures out she can repeat things that she sees other people doing. Most notably it's seen when she stops an attempted robbery at the fast food restaurant she works at by kicking the assailant in the face after swinging around a pole. Monica can learn to do virtually anything her body allows her to, making her ability incredibly useful in certain scenarios. When it comes to fighting people with abilities of their own however, she's pretty useless. If she's not in it for the fight, Monica's ability would be a great one to have.

4. Enhanced Memory - Charlie Andrews
A recurring character in Hiro's saga, Charlie is granted the ability of mega super-duper enhanced memory. She can recall things after a few seconds of glancing at it, shown most notably when she speak Japanese with Hiro. With no prior experience she's able to speak to an ability beyond what her phrasebook could have taught her, and she learned it in a matter of minutes. Being a waitress Charlie finds this ability very useful, and it's practicality for everyday use makes it pretty sweet. Dethroning Ken Jennings on Jeopardy would be a piece of cake.

3. Intuitive Aptitude - Sylar and Samson Gray
The baddest of all the bad guys, Sylar started out with just one single power. From that power he was able to systematically take other abilities and become the ultimate villain. The intuitive aptitude ability is described as: "The ability to analyze complex systems and intuitively understand how they work without special education or training." This ability gave Sylar the means of obtaining specific and useful powers form other the lead to his rise in power. While Sylar used it strictly for evil purposes, when put in the hands of someone who does good it can benefit society as a whole. Imagine fixing any electronic device that breaks? Correcting our national debt? Just don't let the hunger get to you.

2. Empathic Mimicry - Peter Petrelli
I know a lot of people think that this is the best ability because you could theoretically have ANY ability, and that's a good point. I rebut that later on, but for now...
Peter has a pretty awesome ability. Through proximity with another ability, Empathic Mimicry allows you to absorb and use that nearby ability without robbing the other individual of it. The only limitation is that you need other people with abilities to be near you, so without anyone else you're pretty much useless. With people, you could easily become the most powerful human on the planet (as seen in various other timelines where Peter was an absolute bad ass). It's similar to Sylar, minus the hunger and murder.

1. Space-time Manipulation - Hiro Nakamura
"The ability to alter the space-time continuum, including slowing down, speeding up, reversing, stopping, moving backwards and forwards through time, and moving instantaneously through space"
I fucking love Hiro's ability. Really, if people ask me what super power I want to have I answer with this one. I don't need it to fight crime, I need it to make my life easier. There is no more useful ability than space-time manipulation, if used carefully of course. It has the most practical use in our lives by far, and the reason it outguns Peter's ability is because you don't need to rely on anything to use it. 
Think about it: you're given something to complete and you have a strict deadline. FUCK IT. Do whatever you want, and then when it's time to buckle down just stop time. You have FOREVER to finish ANYTHING. I wouldn't even need the "going backwards or forwards in time" bit of it, just the stopping time and teleportation bit. Hiro used it to save the world, I would use it to make life easier.